One Line SMS Jokes

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HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press down* .............. HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press up*
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Last night i wanted to send u a msg, but all i could write was: "noh ss!w !". it didn't make much sense until i read it upside down...
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We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry, NO BRAIN found...!
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I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING FUN WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING.
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All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose! Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.
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If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
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When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
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Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
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Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
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Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
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I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
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Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
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Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
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First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
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Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
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Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......
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My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...
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Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?
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I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
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News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
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God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested.
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The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
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CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this.
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Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
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This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
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Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
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I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, that's how u...eat an ice cream!
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ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
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Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
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Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you are an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
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Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 pounds!!
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Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
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A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
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I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
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There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
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I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
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A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
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Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
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Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
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What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
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The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
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Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

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WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
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What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
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What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!
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Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.